Highly-censored if...but what if...?

Two years ago, a nurse at a local hospital whispered to another: "She's in denial." At the time, I was teaching adults Art for six hours midweek, every week, English at home alongside some work in secondary schools. These art groups were inspiring because so many people were passionate about creating art and being a part of that community. But some days, I had no strength to fold tables at the end; other days, no problem at all.

When term finished, I readied myself for a long-term goal informed by two passions. First, by art itself. (That began in primary school with my first public affirmation for a drawing of Big Ben, I think!) The second passion came during art college. An ever-increasing interest grew in what it means to be human, in something innately wise, meaningfully intelligent. Besides art, I had found enlightenment! Maybe arising from this, I took up tai chi and counselling; holistic massage, aromatherapy and jin shin do; but more significantly, I joined an international yoga group primarily engaged in meditation.

This took me to the Himalayas where I lived the practice, after a short period in a hospital in Mumbai dedicated to clearing the body of 'catches'. Actual doctors used energy work to bring us back into balance. Losing this balance over twenty-four hours was surprisingly easy; I could feel it as I struggled to sleep with pans being banged intermittently around the building to frighten away unwanted pests. Once I had left for the mountains, I finally forgot that I had a flat or a red Ford Fiesta back in Bristol, but I did not forget my student debt. What followed was difficult - returning more of a culture shock than going. I ended up homeless for a short time.

Eventually, I found a flat and someone who led me to the second international meditation practice. These two practices sustained me over twenty years until lockdown. Not that this stops (as if it were no more than a hobby) but the Gurdjieff group, as it was, became fractured with our regular gatherings going online.

What has any of this got to do with a visit to the local hospital, you might ask? Nothing! And yet everything too. You see, the painting above was the first in which I actively brought the two aspects together. I didn't want to wait for others to join me so I started anyway. And if you have ever meditated, you will know that it is essential to put aside the ordinary babbling of everyday life. For me, the practicalities of forming a group constituted babble. Once the time was set aside, it was time to let go of it all. That is also why the colours (which are more striking than in this particular copy), the marks and the shapes, none of them were predetermined. It was pure art - made in the moment. So, I did not paint an image. But if you can see what I can, you will know where this is going: what do we tap into when we tap into essential truths? What I still see in this artwork cannot be unseen.

There is so much more about this life than I can ever fathom, but may it keep unfolding because, even though it can be terrifying, life itself is awesome!